Sad Little Smile

There's a framed memory on the living room bookshelf:
of a little girl
running
through woods
and clinging onto
oaked nature

Two
bluebell eyes
peer up
in youthful wonder
as her
sad
little
smile
asks:
Will You Be My Friend?

There's a framed memory on the living room bookshelf:
My ageless soul encased in Kodak film.

Innocence is bliss

i did wonder who she was
as i entered those chipped green gates
all those years ago
chesnut waves bouncing
pink school satchel neatly fastened

thirteen years later
i still wonder
staring back at those same eyes
in the glint of a half-filled champagne flute

has anything really changed since walking through?

her hair is paler
and her lips are painted rose
but still
the same bright eyes blink back
vibrant in anticipation
for the world she decrees
Beautiful

the way she looks
through those eyes
seems little different
from what she saw
fifteen summers ago

but how can all this time
have past; certainties flung
into oblivion
hearts torn
achievements stock-piled
and wounds mended-
and her mind be no different?

maybe she was just born
with an old soul
or perhaps
the best eyes to peer from
really are
those of a child.

You humiliate my soul

Patronising
Adj- (used of behavior or attitude) characteristic of those who treat others with condescension, behaving with an air of superiority.

I dare you

I dare you
to make my soul cower
just one more time

I dare you
to make me
in a throw-away moment
forget every kind word ever kissed
in my direction

I dare you
to make me ashamed
to have ever opened my mouth
and allowed words to fall out

I dare you
to package me off
with a pan and a brush


I dare you
to scream until I
attempt to sweep
my own small imploding limbs
and my
even smaller
imploding thoughts
into the
trashthat you decree equates to them

I dare you
to flick me aside
as a thing
which has failed to
inspire or impress you

I dare you to
pepper
my eyes
just one more time

Go on-I fucking dare you.

I am exhausted

and happy. As in, my body is exhausted, but my mind is one alert, sparky mawfucka! I feel as if anything could happen today. And I KNOW anything could happen any day, but we get caught up in routine and forget that, don't we?

I'm drawn to the idea of possibility. Moth to flame scenario, and it's both my downfall and my saving grace, because being aware of so many possibilities will at times utterly devestate me, and at other times, make me feel like I'm Lord of this Dance...

WE LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL WORLD, YEAH WE DO, YEAH WE DO
- we really DO though, I've decided. For every terrifying, disturbing thing, there are at least two breath-taking, hopeful things. Things which shake you up and make you pay attention.

Soundtrack to my paused life 1.

Kanye- Runaway

the 35 minute music video made me cry, it's a work of art
Temper Trap- Soldier on

this song allows me to get into an emotional STATE, but in a positive, after-glow inducing way
Katy B- Katy on a Mission

An excellent tune to put your face on to, before heading out for the night..
Rihanna- Fading Away

just soft, easy listening
Temper Trap- Sweet Disposition

an eternal favourite, this song is silky, one that transports me to summer streams, and strawberries in the baking heat. quite a feat, considering the current chill- ice, and Christmas is in the air.

I'm getting dressed as I type, ready to run into town to pick up a few things, and cradle a hot chocolate until the world demands me back :) Am's just popped into my room, that girl is beautiful, and more than that, good for me. I think I'm unlucky, and then I look at my friends. I'm up there with the luckiest. I ought to count my blessings more often :)

Many moons have passed

since she smiled into the sun, and, basking in its simple Ray, held Friendship by her softened hand, performed Yeats and Kavanagh with a girl whom she loved, performed life with a girl who loved her. Many monsoons have passed since she walked alone through the dark yet glittering city to which she was assigned, caught a train and was watched , felt a shiver down her spine singing Ssweet Caroline, to distract herself from the notion that all was not fine- it's been an even longer time since your fingers traced her back, her private smile and public laugh- at your messages in fingerprint ink- inky articles- too good to be truthful, too truthful to be good, on her back, which was tanned and smoothed by summer waves and freedom, bikini bottoms piled in a long forgotten stack- Messages lend to Guess work and tentative loving. Too much yet too little. Her hair looks quite brittle, in this light. It's a pity, my pretty, that so many moons have past. Where is she now? Have you let her slip? Silent debates- thinking, It's been a while since I held her, cradled her in my arms and told her she was beautiful- laughed, of course she had a place here! Told her there was no need to worry, that what she needed was a cigarette, a passionate lover- holiday resort- brother. That it was okay to ramble. That rambling was beautiful. That it was okay too, to use that word as frequently as she did. That her state of flux was something she could and would contend with, that there was special packaging for fine china like her, that nothing was too much, too much of a question. That her tears were salty, sad to watch. A little-old girl cry. It's been a while since she saw the lighthouse, it's been a while since she watched herself die. It's a pity, my pretty. Now look me in the eye.

Soul mates

Because this starts and ends with you too. The limit does not exist.

Some Beautiful Things

The sound of a typewriter in action, a romantic reminder of a beautiful bygone time
The sight of a heaving, happy party, with its satisfyingly heady mixture of laughter, alcohol and the freedom it permits
A perfect outfit, in colours and fit which compliment your skin tone, hair colour, curves and personality
The scent of each page of a newly opened magazine
The anticipation of fresh air and sunlight
The sensation of safety brought my locked doors, darkness and an electric blanket
The ability to feel completely comfortable around another human being
The love I am capable of feeling and receiving
Being reminded that I am worthy of said love
Hope in its various forms, most of them wonderfully banal
Looking in the mirror on a good hair and makeup day and grinning like an idioit :)
Geting lost in a moment and forgetting everything outside of it- just because it feels good
Angelina Jolie's lips, eyes, bone structure and compassion
Madonna- her eternal charm and paticularly Celebration, Frozen and Vogue
Being likened to Lady Gaga and deciding to take that as a massive compliment
My broken nose, just because it makes me different
Passion
Powerful movies that insist you have a cry, drawing emotion from your own life and pain
Satine in Moulin Rouge- she makes me want to wear red lipstick
Finding a song that resonates with you. The kind that you want to listen to on repeat, all day, every day for the forseeable future- the sort of music that speaks to and comforts your soul when everything else refuses to
Cath Kidston rose and geranium hand cream- I love a light rose scent
Improvement
Showering in the dark
The thought of Winter- and hot chocolate when it's snowing outside
The realisation that time really is a healer
Letting things go & allowing yourself to be happy
Enjoying the littlest pleasures in life- like an almost- hot shower in the morning and that sense of purification, 'newness' and expectation for the day ahead
Having a really amazingly restorative sleep !
Producing an article/ poem/ essay that pleases your teacher, but more importantly, you
My M.A.C fund, money I set aside and save up purely for beautiful makeup
That rush of joy on discovering a HG product, be it a super-flattering and unique shade of lipstick, powder, mascara, foundation, or moisturiser...
Struggling initially to get into a book and then all of a sudden being sucked in by it and REALLY REALLY LOVING IT
The notion that everyone creative is a little bit mad, this has comforted me for a very long time!
Sylvia Plath for her bravery and devestation
Gaga for her real intelligence, ambition and refusal to compromise on her kookiness, EVER
The fashion industry, despite the fact that it is probably the most ruthless and scathing in the world- sometimes a catwalk show or collection will strike me as the ultimate in performance art, and I fucking love it

Ballet- ballet just had to be included !
An interest in politics and current affairs
Sweet texts
Allowing myself to eat some actual really delicious food every once in a while
Laura Ashley, my inner twee girl on crack

Lying in the sunshine, reading a perfectly simplistic book, out of sight from the world

For Simie because he has gorgeously gappy teeth

....and legs I would literally kill for! They wouldn't be out of place on a Westwood catwalk, for sure!

And so what if you're a little bit crazy and hyperactive and hysterical a lot of the time? None could blame you. We've both lived a lot, in a very short period of time. I think you're an old soul, like me, but difficult too. (Sometimes I think I've passed on both the best and the worst aspects of me, little brothaa) This is how I view you: Uncertain, scarred, and therefor sensitive and sharp. At times a free spirit, at others, locked up by Fear. I get that. And I really hope you're loved in life. That above all else I wish.

" In short: Too many tears for a young heart to understand "

Children can be so clever, and this often masks the fact that they are mostly very vulnerable. I think it's important to respect children like adults, at the same time allowing them their moment, where the world is a shell of sugar casing, and nothing more.

(All the money in the world won't be able to buy that moment back, when you're forty-two and sitting in a Porshe with a small, aching heart)

Carved into oak, in the heart of my woods. A connection like that is not forgotten readily. Especially by me.

English Language Coursework.

Sometimes you just need to cry. Other times, you really need to do coursework. Well tonight I said to myself: Why not do both, at the same time, you little fool!? I always write better when I'm crying. :S Please God let this coursework be good! I haven't really tried. I just assume that I can succeed off talent alone now, and that isn't right. I'm not happy about that. I used to try so much harder than I do and I sometimes wish I hadn't done so well in my exams, otherwise, I wouldn't be so confident and thus be slaving away right now for A2s! I don't want to fail, not at anything. I only want the best. Typical Aries really. :L Today was a good day! BRA lost, but such an incredible atmosphere at Ravenhill. I'll miss my school. At the same time, I cannot wait to get the hell away from the things and the people and the person I have been here. Not that I have been a bad person, just not my full self yet. I'm constantly on the self discovery channel, it's mad. Life in itself is confused, a blurred canvas of mixy paint-pot colour. I just seem to move from one stage to the next, drifting on the tide. Even though I don't want to be a drifter, it seems the only way. Oh well. Here's to the world and its Robots. (Let's hope my mechanics improve in the future ) =] xxx Lannie

Thoughtless prick.

This is what should have happened: