Monday, 29 June 2009

Medicate Me

The soundtrack to my life
1. Michael Jackson- Don't stop till you Get Enough
2. Gregory and the Hawk- Season Poem
3. Regina Spektor- Chemo Limo and Samson
4. Nelly Furtado- Try
5. Kings of Leon- Milk & Use Somebody
6. Goldfrapp- A&E
7. Depeche Mode- Enjoy the Silence
8. Madonna- Frozen
9. Eminem- Shake That Ass for Me
10. Enya- Fairtale
11. Kasabian- Fire
12. Beyonce- Me, Myself & I
13. Snow Patrol- Set down your Glass
14. Wiley- Wearing my Rolex
15. Peter, Bjorn and John- Young Folks
16. The Streets- Borrowed
17. Kate Bush- Hounds of Love
18. Empire of the Sun- Walking on a dream
19. Coldplay- Cemeteries of London
20. Snow Patrol - The Planets bend beneath Us
21. Snow Patrol - The Lightning Strike

I don't think I could live without these songs. Each one loved for a very different reason and essential listening at very different circumstances and times. My finger's bleeding. Owwwch, I'm hurting like a bitch. I'm like that wounded bird Hannie found the other day and tried to resucitate. I jumped on thorns last night out in the garden as I chatted with Shannie on the phone. I was kind of hop-skipping, you know? pacing through the grass, totally oblivious to the fact that some huggge mother fucker of a rose thorn was waiting to entrap and slice my foot open.

Roses have always been the flowers which have intregued me the most. Noone can doubt their beauty ; their flower looks almost soft and edible-but isn't the bloom SO beautiful that it blinds you of the prickly vert thorns leading up to it? Undoubtably Beautiful. Undoubtably Dangerous. I know someone like that. Not me though. I'm definately more of a Wild Flower.
Those half-coloured geeks which grow in unpredictable little shoots alongside a long forgotten about walk way, up garden fences, and down rusted drains. Unexpected and not conventionally 'flowery' , sometimes even mistaken for a weed. Perhaps not typically beautiful, but definately eye-catching, in their peculiarity , all the same.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009


I've avoided it for too long, but this is what my body and mind are telling me to do. To retreat from everything. To pare it back, stripping everything of importance in my life down to the very basics. To get rid of anything which is not a necessity. I know this is the right thing for me to do. Too much chaos is building up and if I don't do this, I'll end up going crazy. I'm so pent up, it's unreal. Never felt like this before in my life. It must be the accumulation of everything hitting me at once. If you bury issues, they have a joyous way of rearing their ugly heads again when you least expect it. The dicks! I don't want to bury anything anymore, more than anything I want to put the past to bed. I want to Move on rather than being continuously tripped up by it. First of all I think that requires grieving. Acceptance is unthinkable before feeling the pain. So many times have I attempted to "rush through" pain in my life, thinking it was the only way I would survive. I was wrong. I can't let it out with everyone surrounding me, this is one of those things that I need to do completely alone. I know I'll come back refreshed and hopefully healed. I don't understand how I know this, but I've just got to trust myself. XXXX so hello reading, lying in the sun and simple food, writing everything out, organising it logically and swimming, soul-searching, sleep and silence.

Thursday, 18 June 2009

A Beautiful Poem by Wendy Cope

Tich Miller

Tich Miller wore glasses
with elasto-plast pink frames
and had one foot three sizes larger than the other

When they picked teams for outdoor games
she and I were always the last two
left standing by the wire mesh fence

We avoided one anothers eyes
stooping, perhaps, to re-tie a shoelace
or affecting interest in a flight

of some fortunate bird, and pretended
not to hear the urgent conference:
"Have Tubby!" "No have Titch"

usually they chose me, the lesser dud,
and she lolloped back, unselected
to the back of the other team

At eleven we went to different schools.
In time I learnt how to get my own back,
sneering at hockey players who couldn't spell.

Tich died when she was twelve.

( I was a Tich Miller. Maybe some of those hockey player's children will become a Titch too. Things have a way of coming back on us, sometimes in a roundabout way.)

This reminds me of the coldplay lyrics " Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost. Doesn't mean I'll stop. You might be a big fish in a little pond, doesn't mean you've won, because along will come a bigger one." How very true. ;D

A thought

beneath the clementine street lights
of silent repose
we walk
and with warm hands
we talk
'till your latch clasps shut
the pavement now mine
a tight rope of concrete

so i breathe in musky promise
and honey
with only the sound of silence
for money
and walk
the five soft steps
of a peace
reserved for life's
silent matisse

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

End of Exams

AS levels finished. English Language, German&Russian History, English Literature and Religious Studies. Complete. Why has the sun shone throughout exams and now that I'm free to enjoy the weather, it's just died? Someone up there mustn't like me very much, as it's persistantly pissing down.
Conceal me in your draw-string bag,

all lily skin, iced heart and plaid.